...The Icky Sex...

There was a point in my life 

when girls were… well… 

Just plain icky. 

This was way back 

before they were 

the opposite sex. 

 

No.    Back then, 

they were just 

    opposite. 

You know: girls; 

the not version 

of boys; opposites. 

 

In the history of the 

known world according to 

Jack circa wee lad, 

sex simply didn’t exist. 

There was the wonderful world of Walt Disney, 

and there was the post-Disney world 

where you came to the epiphany that 

there could be more than met the eye 

when you gawked at a one of your sister’s 

   disrobed Barbi Dolls. 

No. Women were not actually 

surfaced with smooth plastic 

in all indiscreet places. 

(Yes. Although my friend Nat 

has confessed he’s had 

numerous inflatable dates 

which fit this description) 

 

There was this one time 

in grade school 

where all the girls were sent off 

to watch special cartoons

and we boys had to spend 

the entire day in study hall. 

At recess, I cornered 

one of the girls by the water fountain 

and asked her what kinda’ 

movies they were watching. 

Her face went ashen white 

and there in her eyes, 

all I could see was, 

“The Horror. The Horror.” 

 

She wouldn’t talk to me. 

Just spun away and past me 

like a matador slipping a 

heavy gonad-laden bull.

Perhaps she envisioned my 

mere touching of her arm 

as having the ability to instantly make 

her belly swell to alien dimensions. 

Yes, all of this merely confirmed 

just how weird girls actually were. 

 

It was around this same time 

that one of my best friends, 

having numerous older brothers, 

confided to a whole group of us boys 

that one of his sexperienced siblings 

had informed him that 

you got girls pregnant by 

peeing in them. 

 

Okay listen, 

I tried to correct him by stating 

I was pretty sure it was something else, 

but he won all the other boys over by 

simply re-affirming the fact: 

“Hey. My brother’s done it. 

He’s peed in allot of girls.” And…

And you would certainly have thought 

the word of such sexpertise 

would have gotten around. 

I guess it’s a good thing 

those girls did get go to special classes. 

Oh yea, and hopefully 

they never went on to date my friend. 

 

Me? I didn’t have brothers. 

I had sisters, and all the trauma they are 

want to induce in a young boy’s psyche. 

Because we had the misfortune 

of having only one mom, 

that inconvenience forced me 

to partake of girly things. 

Tap dance for instance. 

 

Yes. I’m around ten years old 

and I’ve been dropped off with my sisters 

to sit bored and miserable in a room full of 

icky girls with overly spastic heels and toes. 

What’s worse is I gotta’ pee and 

there in front of all these girls, 

would have to ask the instructor 

where the boy’s room is. 

It’s not a question she is used to answering 

but she discreetly replies that 

it should be down a certain staircase, 

in a totally different part of the building. 

A male swimming in a sea of estrogen, 

I mope my way down the stairs damp cavity 

and enter the dark hallway that awaits. 

 

Searching for the light switch, 

I can feel my fingertips passing over 

no end of paper loosely stapled and 

tacked to the length of the wall. 

When I do finally find the switch, 

toggle the lights on, and 

allow my eyes to adjust, 

I find myself accosted by pictures of 

yet more women. 

But wait a second… 

These weren’t mere icky girls. 

These were grown up women, 

and they didn’t have any clothes on! 

You could see boobies and… 

and…     everything!

The entire wall was covered with... 

I mean wall papered with... 

There were hundreds of centerfolds; 

one after another. 

It was like… Oooo. 

      It was like… Wow! 

            It was like… “Gee willikers!” 

                  And it was like… 

“Gee w-w-willikers!” 

 

I sense I’m being redundant, but, Gosh. 

Who would have thunk that girls

could ever evolve to look like that? 

 

I became a die-hard tap dance fan after that. 

Yep. I was always the first one in the car. 

Spent allot of time going to the toilet, 

whether I needed to   or not. 

Matter of fact, as I find myself, 

yet again seeing all those 

   naked women 

arrayed across the wall, 

I’ve once again gotten a 

sudden urge to visit the men’s room. 

 

Honest.

   I’ve only gotta’ pee. 

        Nothing else. 

             Trust me.

 

“Gee gosh-golly willikers.”

 

 Ó05 Jack David Hubbell