...Monkey Business...

An ape primatologist 

doing a study of Barbary Macaques,

noted that during the act of sex,

males would thrust far more vigorously

if their female partners shouted loudly.

Shouted what?

I mean yea, it’s great 

that there’s more thrusting.

Definitely an important discovery,

but don’t you think he could have taken the time

to copy down just what it was they were shouting?

Okay, so yes we’re talking apes here.

There’s of course a slight translation problem.

But if we can put a man on the moon,

you’d think we could get our priorities straight

and decipher what some 

primal hot mama is sayin’

   to get her banana-daddy goin’.

And listen.    Check this out:

Seems the primatologist also found 

it was next to damn impossible

for the male macaque to climax

if the female didn’t shout at least a little bit.

I suppose in the case of macaque evolution,

it wasn’t so much survival of the fittest,

but rather        them gals what be 

   most vocal      in the sack.

Vocal to the point where all guy macaques

can’t help but gather round a 

particularly amorous thicket of brush

to listen full chub at some

serious ape-on-ape action going on inside.

And these hoot and holler connoisseurs 

soon come to the group consensus 

   that she on the far side of the foliage

   doing all the current      shouting

is just the sort of girl they want to

   swing their     vine towards.

So as far as gene propagation goes,

those that scream their ecstasy the loudest, 

get a steady ride on the evolution choo choo.

And there throughout the eons,

it just so comes to pass that all

quiet and sophisticated female macaques

sadly get evicted from the gene pool.

Don’t believe me?

When was the last time you visited the zoo

   and saw a lady macaque

with her legs demurely crossed?

Evolution?

Listen up you prehensile tail 

   progressive primates.

Here’s the posterior poop:

Those zoo-ill-logic researchers also established

that male macaques will actually pay 

to look at pictures of a 

   female macaque’s    buttocks

and…        and…

fork over mucho banana peel 

to gaze at a dominant male macaque face,

but…        butt…

must be paid themselves

to look upon the face of      

   females

   or that of        

subordinate males.

Okay now…

This is where I vacillate on that whole

   ‘evolved from apes’ concept.

Though I will indeed throw down good money

to catch a glimpse of some truly refined buttock,

the odds are fairly low that I would

give up damn good banana money

to stare intently into my boss’s dreamy eyes.

Nope.    I don’t care how butch he is.

In fact, his quality of    “butchness”

might actually impede the reach into pocket 

and slap of banana upon counter.

That I must be paid to

look upon the faces of all you

   subordinate males out there is a given.

It is a daunting task and let’s face it:

there are so many of you sub-level 

   knuckle-draggers out there.

But…      And this is a mighty big butt…

That I might be paid   to

look upon the faces of you women…

Would that not be 

the most delectable profession

a monkey man could ever strive for?

Oh, especially if while I’m looking at you, 

you’re shouting at me.  Yep. 

That stuff   really 

puts me in the mood, er…

if  you get my   

primate  banana  meaning.

©08 Jack Hubbell